U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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