I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
