i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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