I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
