I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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