I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
