well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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