I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize