Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
