I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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