I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
