It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
