Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
