So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
