Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
