Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
