I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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