My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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