I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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