mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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