Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
they're like a gay fantastic four
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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