i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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