Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have already put on my inside pants.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
