I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
