He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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