never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
