careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
