so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize