Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
