i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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