dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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