So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
