good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize