No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
