I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize