I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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