He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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