I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
