The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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