In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
