sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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