he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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