I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
