why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
