Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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