I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
