Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
