Soap is not a condiment
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
