I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
