im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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