lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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