you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
