Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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