The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
cat food counts as protein by the way
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
