Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
