my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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