Yo dont text me then not text me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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