I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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