I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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