I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
