It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
