Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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