DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
