There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
