A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
