Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
