No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
