I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
