yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
