i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
